Forgiveness

Source: The Alternative - Diane Priestley

In all marriages, partners hurt each other. Some hurts inflict deep wounds
and heartache that you think you will never recover from. Other hurts are
those daily attacks and insults that stockpile and end up eroding your sense
of emotional safety and trust and force partners to put up protective
barriers or strike back.

My husband and I have made some serious mistakes in our marriage so I know
what I'm talking about. I suppose that's why I'm grateful for forgiveness.
To give and receive forgiveness is the highest act of love. The art of
forgiveness allows the offending partner to be pardoned, absolved and set
free without punishment, which in marriage usually takes the form of
recrimination, sniping and hurling reminders of the past offence during an
argument. To extend forgiveness is to give up this form of torment.

But there are rewards for the forgiver too. Forgiveness allows the hurt
partner to be freed from carrying the pain, anger and bitterness and
obsessing, which is debilitating and soul-destroying.

We make a conscious decision to forgive and it doesn't mean the pain
evaporates instantly. If the hurt is deep, forgiveness is just the beginning
of a healing process. Just as physical injuries take time to heal, so do
emotional injuries. The desensitising of the wound can take months or years.

I know a couple in their 60s who survived his adultery. It took two years
for the wife to recover from the trauma of feeling her whole world had
collapsed. However, now they travel Australia in their retirement, holding
hands and gazing into each other's eyes, cherishing each other.

Time itself does not perform the healing. A passage of time allows the mind
to process the trauma and move through shock and disbelief, grief, rage,
insecurity, guilt, shame and blame. Healing is an active, conscious process,
which can only occur when you allow yourself to feel, not repress these
emotions. People who don't heal traumatic hurts through forgiveness can
carry festering wounds for a lifetime.

There's another impulse, which resides in the human psyche; the desire for
revenge, to hit back at the person who has hurt you. Victims of crime and
victims of infidelity in marriage often experience violent revenge
fantasies.

Christians say that Jesus gave a radical teaching on retaliation, which goes
completely against our base impulse, when he preached turning the other
cheek and refusing to retaliate when hurt.

Jesus taught that forgiveness is an on-going process. He instructed us to
forgive repeatedly, 70 times seven. You can take this to mean forgiving the
same offence over and over, which is necessary in the case of a traumatic
violation. It also means forgiving the multitude of offences that come our
way every day, from family members, friends, colleagues and strangers.

As we know, Jesus was big on forgiveness. It was his core teaching. He gave
humanity the great gift of forgiveness and when we receive divine
forgiveness for ourselves, forgiving other becomes mandatory. If we are
walking in God's grace, forgiveness flows from a spirit of humility and
awareness of our own failings.

If there's one thing our hatred-filled, war-torn world could use right now
is forgiveness. But let's start on a small scale. If you have been deeply
hurt by your wife or husband, the one person you trusted with your heart,
forgiveness will be the most challenging gift you'll ever give. But the
rewards are great. Forgiveness is the key to emotional healing and the
restoration of trust, love and happiness. Try it.

Useful link: www.the-alternative.info