As parents, we want our children to love us, spend time with us, talk with
us, and stay close to us for as long as we live. More importantly, we would
like them to want to do those things. But if we don't love them
unconditionally now, there's no guarantee they will remain nearby in the
future.
"But aren't I responsible to help them develop to their fullest potential?"
you might ask. "Are there not times when I need to push a little?"
Absolutely! In fact, motivating your children to excellence and improvement
is part of expressing unconditional love and acceptance to them. To allow
children simply to get by in life is a form of neglect.
If you want to motivate your children without expressing an attitude of
conditional acceptance, two things must be true. First, all your prodding
and exhortation must be preceded by demonstrations of unconditional love for
them. There must be memorials, so to speak, to their worthiness in your
eyes. By "memorials," I mean events or conversations that have clearly
expressed your love.
Memorials such as these are beneficial because they give your children
something to recall for reassurance when you pressure them to perform.
Sometimes you will expect too much from your children, and they will fail.
Without reminders of your unconditional acceptance, children might fear your
disappointment and rejection.
Memorials can also take the form of a gift or even the bestowal of certain
privileges. In presenting the gift, stress several times that it is not
connected with any particular occasion or action on their part; you are
giving simply because you love them.
Second, to properly motivate your child, you must measure him by his own
ability, not somebody else's. Comparing one child's performance to that of
another eventually destroys self-esteem, expressions of individuality, and
creativity.
The real key here is to view each of your children as a unique individual.
Every young person is gifted in some particular way. Your goal as a parent
is to recognize that area of strength and emphasize it as your child
develops, for within these strengths is his or her greatest potential for
excellence. By cultivating these strengths, you will also do great things
for your child's self-esteem.
When I was growing up, I didn't do so well in high school. Everything turned
out okay, but I didn't have a good start. So I never told my kids that I
expected them to make As or Bs or Cs while they were in school. I didn't
tell them they had to make the baseball team or be the most popular.
Instead, my question to them was, "Did you do your best?" For our daughter,
an A was her best in geometry. For our son, his best was a C.
One good way to find out whether or not your children feel unconditional
acceptance is simply to ask them, "What do you think it would take for you
to make Mom and Dad as proud of you as we could possibly be?"
Evaluate the answer carefully. Is it task-oriented? Do they feel they must
do all their chores every day or be straight-A students? Do they feel
obligated to make a team or squad, or perform some other task to win your
approval?
Perhaps the answer is more character-related. Do your children believe that
doing their best at every task they undertake is what would please you? Do
they know you would be proud of them for obeying God, regardless of the
cost?
Their reply will give you insight into what you've communicated, regardless
of what you have said. The value system you establish will serve as a basis
upon which they accept themselves and others.
Simply telling your children that you accept them unconditionally is not
enough. The apostle John wrote, "Little children, let us not love with word
or with tongue, but in deed and truth" (1 John 3:18). Unconditional love and
acceptance are communicated more clearly by what we do and how we do it than
simply by what we say.
Our children must have a backlog of memories to sustain their belief that we
truly love them, no matter what. Such love tells our sons and daughters that
we accept them for who they are-and despite what they do. What a sense of
security and acceptance this gives them!
Do you want to encourage your kids to succeed? You don't need to push
expectations on them. If we direct their focus to the Lord, then they will
want to be obedient and do their best for Him.
Never take for granted the impact that you have on their lives. Remember,
the way you act toward your kids today greatly influences the way they will
respond to you tomorrow.
Adapted from "How to Keep Your Kids on Your Team," by Charles F. Stanley
(1986).
Useful link: www.intouch.org
No comments:
Post a Comment